To enhance your baseball-viewing pleasure, I’d like to introduce a new test that will allow you to safely miss an Indians game if other pressing needs arise. Just a simple few questions will determine whether today’s starter will merely humble Indian bats or bury them, dig them up, spit on them, and rebury them. Either way, you can be self-assured that you will not waste a second of your life watching a dreadful offensive performance. Of course, I make no promises that, if directed to watch the game, the offense will be merely awful or even slightly horrific. But I do promise that by using this simple scale, you can avoid watching a dreadful offensive showing. Now onto the scale:
1. Which word most closely describes today’s pitcher?
D. Baseball Tee
2. How many years has today’s starter been in the majors?
3. Is the starter:
4. Does the lineup have in it:
A. Aaron Boone and Casey Blake
B. Aaron Boone, but not Casey Blake
C. Casey Blake, but not Aaron Boone
For each “A” answer, add 25 points
For each “B” answer, add 15 points
For each “C” answer, add 5 points
For each “D” answer, add 0 points
If the pitcher received 0-25 points: The Indians have a chance to score 4 runs…celebrate!
If the pitcher received 26-50 points: Play a game of solitare while the team bats, looking up occasionally on the off-chance that the team gets a runner on base
If the pitcher received 51-75 points: Go ahead, go on that date! You might check the radio now and again, though; the team might win 1-0, you know.
If the pitcher received 76-100 points: I hear that a dentist appointment followed by an IRS audit is a great way to kill three hours….